Today is feeling a better day... some of the bitterness is starting to wear thin. Kind of like the sun finally coming out and shining on the driveway. It is still icy and cold but you can see warm spots where the solid ground is showing through. I think having sunshine has helped to get me out of my funk and while there will always be things I wish were done different and things that I definitely think were handled in the wrong way, I will be fine. I will move on, I will still be sad to leave this odd family of mine that has changed and grown over the years but God has a plan.

It is going to take some time though. I don't want to rush to a new venture any time soon. I want to be sure that what it is that God has planned for me and my family is His will and not some idea that just popped into my head. I feel nudgings toward pursuing something but I do not know if that will be where he leads me. I have thought about looking into at-home medical transcription. I have a small background in the medical field. I have taken one class on medical terminology which would help me out. I have decent typing skills, it is kind of a set your own hours deal in which I could work anywhere. My sister-in-law has been doing it for a year and a half now and seems to be happy with her results. She is going to send me the contract to look over and I imagine we will talk things over during Christmas. She seemed to be encouraging about the venture. I will give it some time though and see where God leads me on it still.

God is good, God is faithful and His love endures forever...

I heard this song on Thursday and the words struck me in a whole other way then every other time I have heard this song. It is by Donna Summer and I got the lyrics off of www.songlyrics.com and just seems fitting for this moment in time...

I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load i bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must i walk this path alone
Be with me now
Be with me now

Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For your are holy
Breath of heaven

I have been thinking lately too... the last few years my husband has been on the school board of our small Christian school that is associated with our church as the secretary. Things have happened and after 30+ years they asked the headmaster to step down due. It was a very hard decision for the board and not all of the board was united in it. There has been mess from the fall-out of it and where the board had hoped some people would take the high road there has instead been things slung and things said that should not have been on the part of the offended and the offended's family. We did not understand why we were experiencing what we were not just as a family but in general. We did not understand why people who were life-long followers of Christ would respond in the way that they did and not try to take the high road in an increasingly difficult situation.

It has been watching that experience that has helped me process things. I know that the people directly above my boss are not "out to get us" I know that one in particular I would assume would have the employee's best interest at heart. I know that it is a business and that part of business is having to make cuts when necessary. Come on, my husband worked for Sprint for years, if we don't know about lay-off's then I will never learn about them, they are king of lay-off's here in town. I get all that... what I don't understand is what is perceived by me as deception. I would be curious to the higher-up's stand on things because I know because of the school there are always two sides of every story. I have also watched like I said things be said and people hurt by those things, that is a huge lesson to me in watching what I say. Am I perfect at this, no, I slip sometimes and lash out like I shouldn't and I apologize, but in general I have held my tongue in amazing fashion, especially when around customers or others. Just know that God is doing a work in me and I will come out the better for it eventhough once again the lessons He wants to teach are not necessarily lessons I would choose to learn.

The kids said something cute the other day... When our power went out during the storm last week we heard this loud BOOM! I went outside but could not see anything so my best friend Anna who was over (because they were without power also) said, "It must have been a transformer that blew." The kids got all kinds of worked up, Abby said, "I am scared!" Calvin and Gideon were both asking, "Is it out front? Is it in the back? Did you see him Mommy??" It was then I realized that they thought there was a huge robot on our street... oops! I told them, there are no robots, it was an electric transformer. That settled them down some but it sure did lighten the mood... no pun intended!

So last night I found out that the Bookstore where I work is closing down for good. It will not be moving like they led us to believe a few weeks ago. This is the store I have worked at since two months after I turned 16... I am 29 now, do the math. It is where I met Aaron at. It is where I worked with my best friend during high school and college, and made close friends with, little brother's and sister's that I did not have in real life and older brother's while in high school that I always wanted to have. I worked at this store while Aaron and I were engaged and while I was a newlywed. I worked there while I was pregnant with Abby and Calvin... took a few years off to have the other two but went back before Max turned a year old. I went in to work one night and got called that my daughter was being sent to the ER with RSV and my boss turned to me and told me to just leave, go home, now, he would get everything squared away. She was in the hospital for four days but I will never forget the relief of being able to just grab everything and run without any pressure. This is where I met customers that have impacted me with their stories and who I will likely never see again or be a part of their lives. I will miss it terribly, it has been such a huge part of who I am. I have worked there for almost half of my life. Yes, this is what I was/am angry about from yesterday. There is still much I am working through and if I am quiet on the subject, well that is only because I am attempting to take the high road and sometimes to do that we just need to buy a butt-load of duck tape and wrap half the roll around our mouths... or so it seems. My boss put it well, this was an assignment from God, we have done our jobs, it is time to find a new assignment from Him. We will be fine money wise. It was play money basically. I told my friend Anna... now I will have time to do stuff, but just not the money to do any of it LOL! Isn't that what it always comes down to though... time and or money. So, in case you were wondering, that is what is going on. I don't really feel like talking about it a whole lot. God is going to do a good work in me but it will be all Him which means very little of my mouth. I just pray I can finish out my job with an attitude that would make Him proud of me in all that I do and that is increasingly hard to do as I put together pieces of what has been culminating. It will be a long journey but God is good... all the time... all the time... God is good!

Read this posted from another friend of mine on her blog and thought it was appropo after the news we received yesterday...

"Don't make pain for yourself. Whenever it is in your power to do so live at peace with all men. Especially those who of the household of faith. Make it a point to live at peace with all men and to love the way you wish you were loved. It may get you nowhere but you will be alot happier getting there. I can promise you that."

My goal between now and January 26th is to live at peace with all men and to love the way I wish I were loved. Not so much love in the sense of how Aaron loves me but neighborly love. I am learning to live higher right now and not let ugly flesh woman rear her ugly head. It will be a work to see what God will do in me over the next 5 weeks or so. He is the ultimate when it comes to whom I serve.